Ronan Bloody Keating

Ronan Keating is someone whom parents are happy to let their kids listen to. He’s a clean cut figure, he’s safe, a good influence. I think this is a very short sighted point of view. If you consider the deeper implications of what Keating represents, he’s the last person that should be held up to be a role model and someone to admire.

Firstly, he’s responsible for Westlife, let’s not forget that. Against all odds, they’ve managed to explore new vistas of blandness and predictability – a difficult achievement in an environment where blandness and predictability are already pretty widespread. They’ve extinguished all traces of passion or emotion from the songs they’ve mauled - it’s not enough to look the part by dressing like doe-eyed undertakers, they’ve got to mean it too. Mediocrity and being completely devoid of substance are not qualities that should be admired. Personally, if I had children, I’d be happier for them to listen to The Sex Pistols than Westlife. At least punk stood for something, at least it had spirit and could provoke a reaction. The only reaction I have to hearing a Westlife song is vague uneasiness and deep disgust.

I blame Keating for this, he set the benchmark with his own inoffensive and clichéd muzak - predominantly cover versions that are identical to the originals apart from his horrible squawking voice over the top. They’re utterly pointless, tapping in on the familiarity of already established music to make money. When he does come up with something ‘new’ it’ll be soulless and obvious. ‘Life is a rollercoaster, you’ve just gotta ride it’. Really, Ronan? Wow, what an original and thought-provoking idea. I’ve never considered that before, you’ve made me look at things in a completely different way.

I’m not saying that there isn’t room for pop music. It’s not what I choose to listen to but I can totally accept the disposable tunes produced by Girls Aloud, Kylie Minogue and the like. They’re catchy, well crafted songs and I understand why people like them.

There’s no reason therefore, why pop music has to be as crap as Keating’s. The fact that he’s been so successful is a sad reflection of the things that are wrong with today’s society. Namely, that it doesn’t matter if you’ve got a shoddy product just as long as you market it relentlessly.

And boy, does he market it. Whenever he releases a record he saturates the media; appearing on every radio show, TV programme or magazine that can possibly be used to peddle his CD. I get sick to death of seeing his weird, pointy face.

Of course, there’s always been promotion, but this total bombardment approach was pioneered by The Spice Girls. They weren’t so much as a band, more of a brand – their songs were mere jingles to sell themselves as a product. Their desire for media exposure smacked of desperation and they were willing to do anything to keep themselves in the limelight. Keating’s the same. Just look at the clip of Boyzone at the start of their career when they appeared on Gay Byrne’s Late Late Show in Ireland. They’re a new band, they’ve got no song, but here they are anyway. Dance, monkeys, dance! Most of them at least appear to be a little uncomfortable and embarrassed at being humiliated on television but not Keating. Look at him go in his silly hat, he’s loving it!

As much as I adore that clip, there are sides to Keating that I find a lot more sinister and manipulative. For example, I object to him exploiting the exposure generated by his involvement with Comic Relief to flog his records. Is it just a coincidence that he had a single coming out at the same time as he was climbing Kilimanjaro? Also, his new album entitled ‘Songs For My Mother’ – is it just by chance that it’s appearing on the shelves a week before Mothering Sunday? His marketing ploys are horribly transparent and it worries me that other people see him as being a harmless figure when he typifies such cynical opportunism.

When you hear him interviewed – as you undoubtedly will do over the next few weeks – you’ll hear him boast about how little he’s seen of his family because he’s been working so hard. Also notice how many times he uses the word ‘industry’. I don’t dispute that he works hard, most people do but we don’t have the audacity to call ourselves ‘artists’. The way he talks, it’s more like he’s slaving away at a coal face rather than being creative and self-expressive.

With the phrase: ‘music industry’, Keating’s emphasis is firmly on the second word. To justify his position, it should be on the first. If he put half as much effort into writing his music as he does into promoting it, perhaps the songs would be good enough to sell themselves.