Lest We Forget

Imagine my horror when I turned on breakfast television the other morning to find Danielle Lloyd grinning soppily back at me. It’s not a very pleasant way to start the day.

In case you need reminding about who Danielle Lloyd is, she was one of the contestants on Celebrity Big Brother three years ago. Following the usual formula for these types of shows, when she first entered the house, nobody had the first idea who she was. Apparently her career up to that point had included some modelling work and going out with a footballer. As this hardly constitutes celebrity, I presume she was included to provide some eye-candy for the boys and so that we could all laugh at how thick she was.

Obviously, that didn’t go according to plan. 2007 was the year that the almighty shitstorm kicked off around Shilpa Shetty and the racist bullying directed at her from a coven of housemates led by Jade Goody. Effigies were burnt, diplomatic relations with India became strained and it was even debated in Parliament. The whole thing was a national disgrace and right at the middle of it all was Danielle Lloyd.

I remember watching the show at the time and despising Lloyd more than Jade Goody herself – which is saying quite a lot. At least Goody was brutish and straightforward with her bigoted stupidity, you knew where you stood with her. Lloyd however, was exactly like the worst kind of vindictive schoolyard bully, fawning around the bigger, more powerful figurehead, egging them on to go further, telling them how great they are. She was sly, vindictive and loathsome – sniping hatefully behind Shetty’s back at every opportunity then panicking when she finally became aware of the trouble she was in and rushing to toady and apologise in the most desperate and fake way imaginable in order to save her own skin.

Thankfully, since then, she’s been very quiet. Until now.

Her strategy for a comeback is horribly transparent - devised, no doubt, by a shady Machiavellian PR agency of the worst kind. Lie low for a couple of years to give people time to forget how you behaved, then appear on something light and popular where you don’t have to talk too much just to get your name in the public eye again. After that you can relaunch your career properly on the back of some charity – make sure you’re associated heavily with it, bring in some personal trauma, portray yourself as sincere and caring.

That’s precisely what she’s done. Apparently, she was on Celebrity Wipeout over Christmas and donated her prize money to a domestic abuse charity – a charity that she’s now clamped onto firmly in order to repair her image. This is why she was leering at me from the television screen at breakfast, cosying up to Bill Turnbull on the sofa as if she were just a normal, civilised human being. Undoubtedly, there’ll be a BBC3 documentary soon followed by presenting slots and god alone knows what else.

But, hang on. How exactly is she relaunching herself? What career is she coming back to? Modelling? Going out with footballers? No, she’s coming back to a career in the media.

What career in the media is this? As I stated before, when she entered the Big Brother house, nobody knew who she was – the only reason we do now is because of the furore over the racism row. If she hadn’t verbally abused an Indian actress on national television, nobody would know the name Danielle Lloyd. There’d certainly be no way that she’d be there to goad and taunt me through the television because she wouldn’t be well known enough to appear on anything.

This is what I find so offensive. I wouldn’t mind her so much if she’d just had the dignity to slink back into the shadows and allow people to forget about her after Big Brother. Anyone with the slightest shred of shame would have. Instead however, she’s using the fact that her face and name is known in order to establish herself on television. She’s using the fame generated by her racist bullying as a foothold to get into the media and, by doing so, assuming that the public are so dumb and fickle that we’ll have forgotten about what a horrible person she is.

It scares me that she may be proved right. It scares me that we’ll let Danielle Lloyd become famous.

If she’s going to appear on television, there should be a constant reminder of the reason she’s there. For example, when someone appears on a talk show, the host will generally introduce them by telling the audience their name and the nature of their profession: ‘Please welcome, the actor, Bill Roach’, they might say, or: ‘Today on the show, we’ve got Uri Geller, the Spoon-bender’. Therefore, whenever Lloyd appears on anything she should be announced as: ‘The Bully, Danielle Lloyd’. Or, when she appears on one of those ‘I love the 90s’ type programmes where they show old clips followed by a close up of someone vaguely famous talking you through what you’ve just seen, the caption for hers should read: ‘Danielle Lloyd’, then underneath: ‘Nasty Piece of Work’.

That way, whenever we see that vacant, self-satisfied smile of hers on our screens, we might feel a little bit disgusted at ourselves that we’ve allowed it to get there.

Steen-rolling

There's so much to put about the expenses row that I told myself I wasn't going to say anything about it. I wouldn't know where to start and i'd only make myself angry. I won't comment. I won't, I won't, I won't.

Aaargh, can't leave it alone! This Anthony Steen character is just too good. His interview with Radio Four's World at One is perfect. Doesn't his voice alone make you want to punch him in the face?

My favourite bits were:

'Do you know what it's about? Jealousy. I've got a very, very large house. Some people say it looks like Balmoral.' An inspired way to get the public back on his side. Brilliant.

'We have a wretched Government here which has completely mucked up the system and caused the resignation of me and many others, because it was this Government that introduced the Freedom of Information Act and it is this Government that insisted on the things which caught me on the wrong foot.' That's right, it's entirely the fault of The Freedom Of Information Act because it allowed people to discover what he was up to. I'd like to be in a courtroom when a burglar tries that line of defence. 'It's entirely the Police's fault, your honour. They're the ones who caught me coming out of the window. If it hadn't been for them I wouldn't be here'.

'What right does the public have to interfere with my private life? None.' Fair point. After all, an Englishman's Castle is his... well, castle. We have no right to poke around in his private life. Oh, apart from the fact that OUR MONEY PAID FOR HIS FUCKING PRIVATE LIFE.

I know he's an easy target - the man's clearly an idiot. His life of privilege means that he's been able to sit in his mini-Balmoral (probably on a throne) safely detached from the realities that the rest of us mere proles have to face. Only that sort of a man would say: 'I don't know what the fuss is about,' and then be surprised that his constituents are 'absolutely beside themselves with anger'. Let's face it, only that sort of a man would name his daughter Xanthe. He's blundering through a world that he doesn't understand, relying on sheer arrogance to carry him through the shitstorm that's kicking off all around him.

Granted, the way he's been highlighted and blown up in the media does feel a little like bullying a disabled child or throwing rocks at a crippled donkey. I might even have some sort of sympathy for him if he hadn't been in a position of power and able to make important decisions that affect real people. That also goes for the rest of the politicians who are apparently suffering so much from stress and depression that a psychiatrist has been brought into the House of Commons to offer counselling. Aaaah, poor Politicians, all sad because they've been found out. Nasty public, mercilessly persecuting them just because they've been getting ripped off by the people they elected to speak for them. The politicians shouldn't have done it if they couldn't face the consequences. The cost of that psychiatrist had better not be coming out of our taxes. If it is, there'd better be free counselling for all the honest, hardworking families that are struggling to pay their mortgages and bills after losing their jobs. All those families that have been let down by the politicians who allowed the banks and big business to balls up their finances. All those families without a duck island or a moat or a second home to give them any comfort.

After Steen's interview, David Cameron said: 'One more squeak like that and he will have the whip taken away from him so fast his feet won't touch the ground.' I understand why he's angry about the comments; he's been working very hard to convince the voting public that he's a down-to-earth and practical everyman - the sort of tactic that worked so successfully for Tony Blair in 1997. Hell, he was even starting to win me over after taking quick decisive action over the expenses furore while Brown dithered and skulked, typically displaying as much leadership and dynamism as a kitten's fart.

But Sheen is exactly the sort of stereotypical Tory that Cameron's been trying so hard to make us forget about. The sort of moneyed, arrogant snob who thinks he's got a god-given right to do whatever he wants because he's firmly entrenched in the higher echelons of the establishment. The fact that people like him are still in the party should be a warning to everyone who's considering voting Conservative. I have this image of a pack of old-school Tories like Steen lurking in the shadows. No matter how genuine or sincere Cameron is, as soon as he gets elected, they'll all rush forward and take over again. Then we really will be up shit creek.

Ronan Bloody Keating

Ronan Keating is someone whom parents are happy to let their kids listen to. He’s a clean cut figure, he’s safe, a good influence. I think this is a very short sighted point of view. If you consider the deeper implications of what Keating represents, he’s the last person that should be held up to be a role model and someone to admire.

Firstly, he’s responsible for Westlife, let’s not forget that. Against all odds, they’ve managed to explore new vistas of blandness and predictability – a difficult achievement in an environment where blandness and predictability are already pretty widespread. They’ve extinguished all traces of passion or emotion from the songs they’ve mauled - it’s not enough to look the part by dressing like doe-eyed undertakers, they’ve got to mean it too. Mediocrity and being completely devoid of substance are not qualities that should be admired. Personally, if I had children, I’d be happier for them to listen to The Sex Pistols than Westlife. At least punk stood for something, at least it had spirit and could provoke a reaction. The only reaction I have to hearing a Westlife song is vague uneasiness and deep disgust.

I blame Keating for this, he set the benchmark with his own inoffensive and clichéd muzak - predominantly cover versions that are identical to the originals apart from his horrible squawking voice over the top. They’re utterly pointless, tapping in on the familiarity of already established music to make money. When he does come up with something ‘new’ it’ll be soulless and obvious. ‘Life is a rollercoaster, you’ve just gotta ride it’. Really, Ronan? Wow, what an original and thought-provoking idea. I’ve never considered that before, you’ve made me look at things in a completely different way.

I’m not saying that there isn’t room for pop music. It’s not what I choose to listen to but I can totally accept the disposable tunes produced by Girls Aloud, Kylie Minogue and the like. They’re catchy, well crafted songs and I understand why people like them.

There’s no reason therefore, why pop music has to be as crap as Keating’s. The fact that he’s been so successful is a sad reflection of the things that are wrong with today’s society. Namely, that it doesn’t matter if you’ve got a shoddy product just as long as you market it relentlessly.

And boy, does he market it. Whenever he releases a record he saturates the media; appearing on every radio show, TV programme or magazine that can possibly be used to peddle his CD. I get sick to death of seeing his weird, pointy face.

Of course, there’s always been promotion, but this total bombardment approach was pioneered by The Spice Girls. They weren’t so much as a band, more of a brand – their songs were mere jingles to sell themselves as a product. Their desire for media exposure smacked of desperation and they were willing to do anything to keep themselves in the limelight. Keating’s the same. Just look at the clip of Boyzone at the start of their career when they appeared on Gay Byrne’s Late Late Show in Ireland. They’re a new band, they’ve got no song, but here they are anyway. Dance, monkeys, dance! Most of them at least appear to be a little uncomfortable and embarrassed at being humiliated on television but not Keating. Look at him go in his silly hat, he’s loving it!

As much as I adore that clip, there are sides to Keating that I find a lot more sinister and manipulative. For example, I object to him exploiting the exposure generated by his involvement with Comic Relief to flog his records. Is it just a coincidence that he had a single coming out at the same time as he was climbing Kilimanjaro? Also, his new album entitled ‘Songs For My Mother’ – is it just by chance that it’s appearing on the shelves a week before Mothering Sunday? His marketing ploys are horribly transparent and it worries me that other people see him as being a harmless figure when he typifies such cynical opportunism.

When you hear him interviewed – as you undoubtedly will do over the next few weeks – you’ll hear him boast about how little he’s seen of his family because he’s been working so hard. Also notice how many times he uses the word ‘industry’. I don’t dispute that he works hard, most people do but we don’t have the audacity to call ourselves ‘artists’. The way he talks, it’s more like he’s slaving away at a coal face rather than being creative and self-expressive.

With the phrase: ‘music industry’, Keating’s emphasis is firmly on the second word. To justify his position, it should be on the first. If he put half as much effort into writing his music as he does into promoting it, perhaps the songs would be good enough to sell themselves.