Buckley, Vonnegut & Despair

When you’re depressed and you happen to mention to someone that you’re listening to a lot of Jeff Buckley, their first reaction is usually to come round and hide all your knives.

However, I see Buckley’s music as being something that is capable of bringing me out of my despair rather than making it worse. It’s his voice. It triggers something in your head and makes you realise that however bad you’re feeling, you could be feeling a hell of a lot worse. There’s some depth of emotion, some unimagined pain that you’re lucky enough not to know anything about.

I’m not just talking about Hallelujah which is the song that everyone knows, it’s Grace as a whole. Then there’s the other stuff that’s sadly unfinished and less polished – Opened Once; All Flowers In Time Bend Towards The Sun, a duet with Liz Frazer; and his version of Dido’s Lament which is impossible to listen to without turning into emotional mush. He hits the mark and pulls something out of you too often for it to be an accident. The only thing I’ve ever encountered that’s comparable is seeing Sigur Ros live. There’s something there that affects you in an almost subconscious way, emotions that are raw and primeval that make you realise that, in the big scheme of things, how you’re feeling is insignificant.

I take great comfort in that, it gives life some sort of perspective. It’s good to think that I’m largely irrelevant, that the world isn’t affected in the slightest by whatever decisions I make or however miserable I am. On bad days, it’s only by listening to Buckley and reading Kurt Vonnegut that I’m able to get out of bed at all. Vonnegut adds humour, he knows that life can be cruel and miserable and unjust, but manages to say ‘fuck it’ and laughs at it all. Catch 22 has the same sort of effect and if I’m having a particularly bleak day I reach for Camus. The Outsider is pretty much a miracle cure for everything.

As I start to come round, I’ll switch from Buckley to Elbow. I can identify with Elbow’s lyrics, they’re comforting because they make you realise that what you’re going through is relatively normal – others have experienced the same things and have survived it alright. I suppose many people view The Smiths in the same way, that’s why they’re so enduring – the lyrics speak to the listener in some fundamental way.

From Elbow – Radiohead. They’re another band that are accused of being depressing but I find them anything but. I think it’s only the people that don’t take the time to listen to them properly that dismiss them as easily as that. It’s a cop out, a lazy response to music they don’t understand. I like Radiohead the most when they’re being cynical and threatening. Additionally, the band members themselves; how they approach things and their attitude gives me a tremendous confidence boost. OK Computer and The Bends are usually enough to soak up any residual depression. After that, I can listen to Cathy Davey, Pulp, and The Kings of Leon with a clear head and a renewed pleasure in being alive.

Then i’m at my best again; I’m able to look at my life with as much flippancy and detachment as if I was a character in a novel. Nothing really matters so I might as well do whatever I want.

I’m lucky to have found the things that make me feel better. Some people use religion in the same way, others write or paint or lean on their friends. It’s just a matter of finding out what works for you personally and fits in with your own beliefs. Everyone needs a crutch from time to time, the real problems occur when you haven’t got one.