I used to quite enjoy the Eurovision Song Contest. I used to research the acts and place bets with disbelieving bookmakers. I've even sat there alone in front of the telly with a couple bottles of red wine and a scorecard. In my defence however, the scoring criteria I used was very different from that of the judges. I was looking for songs that were ludicrous, backing singers/dancers that were dirty looking, skimpy clothing and a decent amount of overacting from the lead singer. The more wine I drank, the more generous the marks - tellingly, my highest rated acts were usually among the last five.
Granted, that sounds quite pathetic but what can I say? I'm just a very lonely person. At least Eurovision meant that for one saturday at least I was able to keep the black dog of despair from yapping around my ankles.
Not this year though - i've lost all enthusiasm for it.
The problem is that we seem to be taking it seriously which is completely missing the point.
Britain has produced and still produces some of the greatest music in the world. We may have lost the empire; we may be crap at football, cricket and any other sport that matters; we may be miserable, skint and hated by almost every other nation on earth but at least we can knock out a decent tune - we have that going for us. Traditionally, we were, to some extent, justified to feel all superior towards Johnny Foreigner and his quaint little attempts at producing music. Spearheading the sneering was Terry Wogan who was brilliant in his role as narrator - his commentary seemed to echo what we were all feeling about the event. But last year he became so disillusioned with the ridiculous thing that he quit. The gaping hole he left behind has been filled by an obligatory reality show build up and what appears to be a serious attempt to win.
The song we've entered is obviously trying to appeal to the to the broadest audience possible. By trying to please everyone however, you water things down and make them inoffensive and boring. The result is a bland and forgettable song whose only surprising element is how much rage it manages to induce in me. The singer's no better, she's one of those Leona Lewis/Pop Factor Alexandria type clones - completely generic and pointlessly oversinging every word. It's a sure sign of desperation when a singer's got to screech and warble and stretch notes beyond breaking point. If the tune wasn't so dull she wouldn't have to yodel around it. She ends up sounding as if she's in a field hospital, wailing as a medic digs shrapnel out of her leg without any anaesthetic.
By treating Eurovision seriously, we're belittling ourselves. We used to watch it thinking: 'Look at these idiots, do people actually listen to this dross in Liechtenstein/San Marino/Azerbaijan/Monrovia/wherever?'. Now, we're the idiots and unfortunately yes, we do listen to this dross in Britain these days.
But, being British, i'm used to being let down and disappointed. On holiday a few years ago in Spain, the only thing I could get on the hotel television was a European music channel. It sucked me in and, along with my friends - who were also music snobs - we became obsessed with a band that they seemed to play every fifteen minutes or so. The song was so awful, so utterly, painfully bad that it was unintentially hilarious and we were amused no end that the Spanish seemed to like it so much. How we laughed and sneered at them for their musical tastes. How we looked down our noses and dropped references to The Beatles and Radiohead into every conversation. Imagine my horror therefore, when I returned to England to find that the same band that we'd arrogantly ridiculed were number two in the UK charts. That band was Scooter.
Scooter.
I'll never understand how my countrymen could debase themselves so horribly.
For that reason, i've always been quite relieved when Britain finishes last in Eurovision. At least that shows that we're still a little bit detached from the mindless pap churned out in the name of Europop. I hope our song finishes last again this year. Mainly so that I won't have to hear the bastard thing on the radio all the time, but also because maybe then, the people who decide what our entries are going to be will finally admit that whatever song we submit, it won't make the slightest difference. Even when we give it our best shot, take it seriously and produce a record so bad that it might actually stand a chance of scoring some points, it's irrelevant. The voting is entirely political and we're never going to win because everyone hates us.
After this year, when this will be proved beyond all doubt, we might as well say 'fuck it' and do whatever we want. Because we're one of the few countries that actually pays for the contest, we always get an automatic place in the final so why not use this to our advantage? Get Morrissey or Thom Yorke to write something - someone with established talent and credibility so that when they come last it shows up what a sham the contest is. Either that or put something in that's patently ridiculous and takes the piss like the Irish turkey from last year who sadly didn't make it through to the final because Ireland had to go through an elimination round and none of the organisers have a sense of humour. if you're going to lose, might as well lose BIG, that's what I say.
The other option is to just withdraw altogether, taking our money with us. That'd be a shame though, it'd make us look like bad losers and that's one thing we certainly aren't. In fact, we've had so much practice i'd say that the people of Britain are the best losers in the world.
At least that's something to be proud of.
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